Third Month Rejuvenation

On the third month

For me, normality seemed to be the hardest part. Distracting yourself with normal routines. I woke up this morning at 5:30 keen for more normal run, gym and cardio routine but torrential rain has seemed to keep me indoors for the past 3 hours. I sit here staring out the window longing to run. To burn off that muesli I ate before bed. To use the fuel I inhaled at breakfast time. Yet, the other part of me wishes I didn’t think it was such a crime to stay inside and pyjamas with a cup of coffee and my laptop for company. I want to go above and beyond in every way and to be the very best in my field. But here I am stuck in a normal person rut – defeated by the storm that won’t stop outside.

How can you distract yourself when the thing that makes you the saddest is following you around everywhere? It’s a constant reminder everywhere you look, but also every time you move, every time you put on clothes and every time you see your reflection in some shinny surface.

‘Compliments’ such as, “Oh my goodness, you look so  much healthier,” are taken as, “Oh my goodness, I can tell you’ve put on 5 kg’s since I saw you last. Some ones lost their will power.”

Some days nothing makes this easier. The fact that you want food now, and that it isn’t a substance you can choose to not have anymore. As soon as you eat normally for a week your brain seems to overpower the will and won’t allow you to skip the meals you once did.

Once you realise your brain actually can function with a few extra kilos on your bones or 1000 more calories a day you can’t seem to restrict again. The control seems to slip through your fingers into a world of normality again.

Other days you can see and appreciate how powerful your brain is now. Moods are better. Your brain in sharper. Your moods are steadier. Your BMI is on the lower end of normal, your thighs are getting closer to touching each day – but you can actually go a whole day without nearly collapsing, maths equations don’t take you 5 minutes and the most important part is you can treat your loved ones like humans and not enemy trying to fatten you up.

My journey highlight : loving each person in my life more and more each day. Fully appreciating the time I take to spend with them.

My journey low point: the constant fear of people recognising that i’ve gained weight and that my thigh will touch again.

Achievement: Can sit down for an hour and do hobbies I love! Eg, writing, art and pom pom making!

Affirmation: “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Abraham Maslow

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Second Month Rejuvenation

Second Month Recovery

I never thought i’d say this, but i’m finally relieved to feel better. I am finally okay within myself to not exercise until I want to pass out, become short of breathe and dizzy. The once sworn enemies (peanut butter, avocado, oats) are finally going towards process I can see, feel and things that help other people to benefit. Example one: my brain works. I am less scattered, and am able to concentrate on thing for a longer period of time. Example two: my skin is more radiant and healthier, as is my hair! Example three: moods are more stable and less fluctuated.

I’m beginning to think more logically. There are times I want to regress, fall back into my weakness and not tackle the problem head on. Not face the community and force myself to be comfortable with not conforming to the unachievable expectations that society places on young women. PROCESS > REGREE.

Nourishment is something I would have feared. All the different food groups where something that would make me anxious and fearful. This is a very slow process as I can imagine sitting down and eating half an avocado just yet. Bones were something of a success, showing the strength of my ‘will power.’  The prize – undernourishment.

Days are still hard. Today – obviously is a good. I want to write about the good days. The more you force yourself into happiness- the more you force life back into your being.  The good energies you expel into the world the less negativity.

Low Point: Forever and always, it seems that I fear people will start to notice the weight coming back. Getting healthier is such a great aim – though it is very scary to know my body will be well enough one day to function normally. Some days this makes me feel like all my hard work has failed.

High Point: Being able to go for adventures as I have more energy. I don’t feel the need to collapse at 8 PM each evening! I’m able to sit in the car for half and hour and not be so anxious!

Affirmation: “I am beginning to measure myself in strengths, not kilograms. Sometimes, even my own happiness.” Laurie Halse Anderson

First Month Rejuvenation

First Month of Recovery

It’s been about two weeks since my ‘revelation,’ and the desire to have a fully function body. The drive to get healthy so I can give back to the community, and give the people I love the life they deserve is still there, but it’s harder and darker than first thought. Rejuvenating my body has good days and bad days.

I am blessed to have experience a getaway to Byron Bay, which prompted me to make a change. My horrible habits of having to burn at least 1200 calories before 9 o’clock in the morning meant that the trip to begin with was already being governed by my controlling thoughts and destroying behaviour.  The first day was full of me finding ways to exercise, avoid food and to make myself as tired as possible. At the end of the first day I stood at the shore of the main beach, watching the waves roll in and out. Byron seems to have a comforting relaxed vibe. Be who you want to be – you’re safe. Here I was, lost. Destroying the beautiful surroundings with my controlling thoughts. Some of the most beautiful coastlines you’ll ever see and what did I want to do? Make sure everyone muscle in my body was sore from over exercise. Looking ahead the waves suddenly seemed to say, “bring all your trouble to the ocean and let it out.” So that’s what I did. I took my shoes off, and cried for an hour on the main beach with my partner beside me.

But now, Byron isn’t at my door step. I can’t take my shoes off, feel the sand beneath my feet and have a wave of positivity flow over me. I’m in a jungle now. A constant flow of manipulated images of women.

Two weeks into my body ‘rejuvenation’ and i feel more judged, heavier and wobbly the ever. Do people know that two days ago I have a peanut butter and or the first time in over a year? However, in two weeks i’m stronger, fitter and one step closer to having a healthier body again. More importantly, every time I push myself, I push myself to becoming more comfortable with who I actually am. WEIGHT AND ALL.

Low Point: the fear people will notice the weight i’ve put on

High point: knowing one day this will all be easier and i’ll be able to appreciate myself

Affirmation: You can trust your body. weight will come unevenly to begin with. But it’s building the foundations or a healthier future which is binge free and healthy. I won’t go back to fat – i’ll go back to fit.

First Week Rejuvenation

First Week Thoughts

I’m starting in March, on a Friday. Starting this thing called recovery. Recovery in my mind is something that involves me getting fatter, being regarded as lazy and being associated with the fat girl in my past. I for one don’t want that.

What do I want? To be able to sit down and not have a panic attack. To not feel that if I sit down for half an hour i’ve lost the chance to burn those 100 calories that I may possibly consume today. All i can imagine are the clumps of cells forming throughout my body, turning me into a monster again. To not thinking about my weight all the time. I want to find joy in something other than how many calories i’ve burnt.

Recovery, ‘the regaining of something that is lost.” GAIN. A word i associate so close with weight. They practically go hand in hand. So I ask myself, ‘what do I have to GAIN?’

A normal lifestyle, the ability to look at someone and not immediately guess how much they weigh, the strength to not compare my body to someone else’s, the chance to give something back to the people I love – uplift them, instead of brining them down with my constant self loathing, lack of confidence and absence of energy.

Recovery, defined as, ‘the regaining of something that is lost.’ And it’s time I find joy in the regaining of my life than the ruination of my body.

Lower points: pushing myself to relax, e.g – sitting for an hour, not doing extra cardio after i’ve finish my run and gym work out.

High points: having my first spontaneous coffee date since getting caught up in the darkness.

Affirmation: Give your body the time, give your body a chance. And give it the best possible chance.