First Month of Recovery
It’s been about two weeks since my ‘revelation,’ and the desire to have a fully function body. The drive to get healthy so I can give back to the community, and give the people I love the life they deserve is still there, but it’s harder and darker than first thought. Rejuvenating my body has good days and bad days.
I am blessed to have experience a getaway to Byron Bay, which prompted me to make a change. My horrible habits of having to burn at least 1200 calories before 9 o’clock in the morning meant that the trip to begin with was already being governed by my controlling thoughts and destroying behaviour. The first day was full of me finding ways to exercise, avoid food and to make myself as tired as possible. At the end of the first day I stood at the shore of the main beach, watching the waves roll in and out. Byron seems to have a comforting relaxed vibe. Be who you want to be – you’re safe. Here I was, lost. Destroying the beautiful surroundings with my controlling thoughts. Some of the most beautiful coastlines you’ll ever see and what did I want to do? Make sure everyone muscle in my body was sore from over exercise. Looking ahead the waves suddenly seemed to say, “bring all your trouble to the ocean and let it out.” So that’s what I did. I took my shoes off, and cried for an hour on the main beach with my partner beside me.
But now, Byron isn’t at my door step. I can’t take my shoes off, feel the sand beneath my feet and have a wave of positivity flow over me. I’m in a jungle now. A constant flow of manipulated images of women.
Two weeks into my body ‘rejuvenation’ and i feel more judged, heavier and wobbly the ever. Do people know that two days ago I have a peanut butter and or the first time in over a year? However, in two weeks i’m stronger, fitter and one step closer to having a healthier body again. More importantly, every time I push myself, I push myself to becoming more comfortable with who I actually am. WEIGHT AND ALL.
Low Point: the fear people will notice the weight i’ve put on
High point: knowing one day this will all be easier and i’ll be able to appreciate myself
Affirmation: You can trust your body. weight will come unevenly to begin with. But it’s building the foundations or a healthier future which is binge free and healthy. I won’t go back to fat – i’ll go back to fit.