On the third month
For me, normality seemed to be the hardest part. Distracting yourself with normal routines. I woke up this morning at 5:30 keen for more normal run, gym and cardio routine but torrential rain has seemed to keep me indoors for the past 3 hours. I sit here staring out the window longing to run. To burn off that muesli I ate before bed. To use the fuel I inhaled at breakfast time. Yet, the other part of me wishes I didn’t think it was such a crime to stay inside and pyjamas with a cup of coffee and my laptop for company. I want to go above and beyond in every way and to be the very best in my field. But here I am stuck in a normal person rut – defeated by the storm that won’t stop outside.
How can you distract yourself when the thing that makes you the saddest is following you around everywhere? It’s a constant reminder everywhere you look, but also every time you move, every time you put on clothes and every time you see your reflection in some shinny surface.
‘Compliments’ such as, “Oh my goodness, you look so much healthier,” are taken as, “Oh my goodness, I can tell you’ve put on 5 kg’s since I saw you last. Some ones lost their will power.”
Some days nothing makes this easier. The fact that you want food now, and that it isn’t a substance you can choose to not have anymore. As soon as you eat normally for a week your brain seems to overpower the will and won’t allow you to skip the meals you once did.
Once you realise your brain actually can function with a few extra kilos on your bones or 1000 more calories a day you can’t seem to restrict again. The control seems to slip through your fingers into a world of normality again.
Other days you can see and appreciate how powerful your brain is now. Moods are better. Your brain in sharper. Your moods are steadier. Your BMI is on the lower end of normal, your thighs are getting closer to touching each day – but you can actually go a whole day without nearly collapsing, maths equations don’t take you 5 minutes and the most important part is you can treat your loved ones like humans and not enemy trying to fatten you up.
My journey highlight : loving each person in my life more and more each day. Fully appreciating the time I take to spend with them.
My journey low point: the constant fear of people recognising that i’ve gained weight and that my thigh will touch again.
Achievement: Can sit down for an hour and do hobbies I love! Eg, writing, art and pom pom making!
Affirmation: “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Abraham Maslow